Click here for "The Steroid Sing Along" and "Eminent Domination"  cartoons by Mark Fiore

Minimum Wage

There's a minimum wage to prevent the working poor to receive less than poverty level pay, why isnt there a MAXIMUM wage for rich people?

SHOWTIME!

Indictment

Why do the rich & famous always hold a press conference when they get into trouble?  I had an Uncle manny that got busted for pot; he never had a press conference...."I would like to say that the charges are false and at best the allegations are totally Boo-chit man!"

Pre-Emptive Strike

I totally understand the pre-emptive strike Bush doctrine.  It was like when my Mom use to whoop me before going to church on Sundays.  I'd be like "Ma, why'd you hit me?"  She'd answer, "Don't be acting up in church!"

The Other Racisms

There are certain foods that were made for the rich that the working poor people of this country have no access to.  You never saw Chef Boy R Dees version of Fois Grois in a can did you? I'd like to try it but it isn't affordable!  And why can't I buy a six pack of Dom Perignon? I would like that too to wash down my Fois Grois with.  What's up with these truffles too? It's just a type of mushroom, but they don't sell the whole mushroom, they sell the shavings of it for about $80.00 for only a couple of shavings, not enough to feed an ant!....We should just have a trade agreement with the rich like a NAFTA thing- The Rich man Poor Man Free Trade Agreement,...Give us Fois grois and Dom Perignon and we'll give you Blues Music & Weed!

ANDREW CARD

The Presidents Chief of Staff Andrew card resigned from the Bush administration....finally! Somene with an exit strategy! 

Fat

I could lose a few pounds.  You know how you know you're a bit fat fellas? Because you look at food like you do women.  I was walking by a Quiznos one day, man those sandwiches look good on the posters! I stopped to check one out and I was like, "Mira Mami, Que Pasa!"

ISRAEL

Did you hear about the Israel/Lebanon situation? The good news is that there is a cease fire in effect, the bad news is that Israel will start bombing Mel Gibsons house tomorrow!

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”
The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”
“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

“You’re a cheat!” shouted the client to his lawyer. “You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!”
“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
No changes occur.

How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call a judge gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Your honor.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS."
To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

A completely drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable jackass!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You friggin' IDIOT...it's ten past three in the morning!"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said, "I'd like a steak, fries and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said, "You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied, "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina’?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your Ding-A-Ling?"
The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your Ding-A-Ling."
So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your Ding-A-Ling?"
The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The guy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your Ding-A-Ling?"
The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his Ding-A-Ling. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my Ding-A-Ling is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
 
A female police officer arrests a guy for drunk driving.
While reading him his Miranda Rights, the female officer tells the man: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, CAN and WILL be HELD against you."
"Boobs" the drunk replied.

Henny Youngman: 1906-1998 UNDISPUTED KING OF THE ONE-LINERS!
Thanks, Henny, for all the laughs. Now for the definitive Henny Youngman collection:

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Horse Race Jokes

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Hotel Jokes

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Insults

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

Introductions

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Italian Jokes

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

Jewish Jokes

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Job Jokes

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Longer Jokes

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come in?"

A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."

Polish Jokes

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Relative Jokes

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Smart Guy Jokes

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Wife Jokes

My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. 

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."

Take my wife, please!

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

Uncategorized Jokes

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If I had blood, I'd blush.

A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Clown Prince of the OneLiners! Thanks for the laughs as well Rodney-You got my respect....... even though you never gave me a shot at Dangerfields! (He had a PRO'S Only Policy) I always Told Him, give me a shot- I'm a Puerto Rican Orphan!

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses that guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Brooklyn, USA."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He arrogantly says, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You  know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started  cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old  continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
 When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,  "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." 
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. 
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" 
"I don't know " he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.  "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. 
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."  Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, 
"Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here, "says the devil. You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."  George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.  "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.  The devil opened a third door.  In it, George saw Bill Clinton, naked lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs wide open. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.  George W. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said "Yeah, I can handle this."  The devil smiled and said.........."OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. 
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" 
 "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." 
 And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." 
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.  "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates. 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"  The man replied, "They're Carols."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Do not block the TV

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.  Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."....That's when the proctologist fainted.