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Click here for "Privatizing The Military" & "Oil Addiction" cartoons by Mark Fiore Sometimes in comedy you experience the unfortunate occasional person in the audience who is not in the show, but desperately wants to be. Unfortunately for them- 99.9% of the time the Comic comes out on top. There isn't a Comic in New York who is not prepared with an arsenal of comebacks and insults for the sad attempts of the Hecklers who try to ruin entire comedy shows. The following are a few of my favorites, commonly known as "Snaps" or "Playin The Dozens" the following are for the Hecklers of all shapes and sizes, some of the funniest I've heard throughout my career, and in my personal arsenal in the event of a pre-emptive strike.
Your lips are so big it looks like my ass sideways! Jesus loves you.......the rest of us think you're an asshole! Your hair is so short it looks like stitches! Your so short you could sit on a dime and swing your legs! You're so poor you got married for the rice! You're so bald if you wore a turtleneck you'd look like a condom!
You're so cross-eyed when you have sex you always think that you're part of a threesome! You're so cross-eyed you walk in circles! ......You can watch a tennis match without moving your head! .......You can see your own ears!
You're so stupid you went to the gap to get your teeth fixed! ....you thought Taco Bell was a Mexican Phone company! ....you thought "Eat & Run" was an Olympic event! ....you thought 'Death Row' was the best seats at a funeral! ....you thought an Autobiography was a book on cars! ....you thought Grape Nuts was an STD! ....you thought TLC was a sandwich at Blimpies! ....you thought Ex-lax was a Muslim! ....you took toilet paper to a crap game! ....you thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court!
You're so fat you use a train track for a belt! ....you got more 'Chins' than Chinatown ....the back of your neck looks like a pack of franks! ....your belly has so many rings you have to screw your underwear on! ....you were laying down on the beach and Greenpeace rolled you back into the ocean! ....you use a parachute for a showercap! ....if you bent over they could play a double feature on your butt! ....you went on a one week diet and the only thing you lost was 7 days! ....you were baptized in tar-tar sauce! ....your underwear has mudflaps!
You're so skinny if you stuck your tongue out you'd look like a zipper! ....when you fart your belly button comes out of your butt! ....you can use a condom for a sleeping bag! ....if you put a dime on the top of your head you'd look like a nail! ....your nipples touch each other! ....you have to tie knots in your legs to make knees!
You're so ugly your doctor is a Veterinarian! ....you went to eat at friendlys and got punched in the face! ....when your lover gave you a Hickey they got a mouthful of fur! ....you give Freddie Krueger nightmares! ....if I had a dog that looked like you, I'd shave it's ass and teach it how to walk backwards! ....your Momma breast fed you with a straw! ....when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator! ....your baby pictures show only the back of your head! ....when you were born your Mom got a fine for illegal dumping! ....you couldn't get a date off a calendar! |
